All in all, last week was a crummy week. Papa Bear was out of town on business, my purse was stolen, I locked my keys in the car the next day, someone mistook me as being
SEVEN YEARS older than I actually am...you know...just your regular, run of the mill crummy week. Crummy.
This week, I have still been struggling with my frustrations from last week, plus feeling a wee bit vulnerable after publicly "announcing" my fears and my journey to overcome them. Being open and honest also means you lay yourself open and vulnerable. And I'll be straight up honest with you right now: being vulnerable is not a comfortable feeling for me.
So, on Thursday of this week, I had to endure a "test." It really wasn't a test, just a necessary part of the process for my long-term goal over a year from now. (Side bar: many of you have figured out my goal - in theory. A few of you have figured it out - exactly. The last few of you are still living in la-la land waiting for me to announce a pregnancy. I'll let you keep your guesses, or keep living in la-la land. Because I cannot yet speak the words.) Although it wasn't a real test, the word "test" was involved.
And it messed with my brain.
Because this "test" was like the amuse bouche of the all you can eat buffet ahead of me. And I was done, finished, kaput after just one bite of the amuse bouche. All I could think about the entire time was how horrible I felt, and how the goal I set for myself was impossible, unreachable, and - most importantly - just plain stupid. Oh, and that now I've let all my friends and family know I've set this stupid, unattainable goal too. Nice.
Now, in theory, I passed the test. But in my head, I walked away feeling a level of defeat, frustration, and FEAR than I cannot even communicate.
A part of me wanted to quit. Just walk away. Tell myself I could never do this, could never measure up. And for a moment, I listened.
And then another part of me spoke up and said, "no one ever said this would be easy." And CyberBears, I'm learning early on, this is not easy.
But here's the thing: that's why I'm taking this on. I picked a goal that, honestly, I have no earthly idea whether I can achieve. It's quite possible that this just might be an epic failure. And it terrifies me.
The root of why I'm so terrified is what I'm hoping to figure out during this process. And, I'm certainly not sure where this process is going to take me.
Until then, I'm going have to force myself to settle into this discomfort. And take my MamaBear's very sage advice: "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time."
I can also hang on to you CyberBears who I am confident are carrying me forward when I am frozen with fear. How am I so confident? Because every day, I look at this:
a small reminder card a CyberBear found and sent me in the mail, which I've taped on the blinds over my kitchen sink. I look at it multiple times a day and remind myself of God's promise in this verse - that he is with me on this journey, and he will not abandon me in this process (or, ever for that matter!).
Or this:
A card from another CyberBear who shares not only my brain, but my sense of humor.
Or this:
(the front of another card sent by a CyberBear)
Because, if all else fails, I'll just channel Elvis.
(Have I mentioned how great you CyberBears are? MWWAH! {that's me giving y'all a big ol' sloppy CyberKiss!} You guys ROCK!)
So, for now, I'm walking forward on blind faith. Not yet confident that this is truly something I can do. But I do know that, no matter what, it's exactly where I'm supposed to be.
"...Two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."
(Robert Frost, Two Roads Diverged in a Yellow Wood)
