Pondering a P.R.*

* P.R. stands for: Personal Record. Runners (and other athletes) use it to describe a race in which they did their very best. For those of us middle/back of the packers, P.R.s are important. Because the only records we'll ever set are our own. And really, that's all that matters.

Today, I ran a P.R. for a half marathon. I'm pretty darn excited.

For entertainment purposes, I thought I would would walk you through my thoughts and actions during the process of setting a P.R. for a half marathon. For those of you runners, I'm hoping you'll be entertained. For those of you non-runners (seriously, today's the day to start!) you'll get just a wee glimpse into the mind of a crazy person runner. Enjoy.

Deep Thoughts In A Half Marathon:

• First thought out of bed on race day: I THINK I'M GOING TO THROW UP. I THINK I'M GOING TO THROW UP. Seriously, my hands are shaking. What was I thinking? WHYdid I ever tell anyone that I was hoping for a P.R. today? There is no way I'm going to make it across the finish line, much less run my fastest race ever. Oh well. It was a nice thought. Now, where's the coffee?
• Thoughts waiting in line for the porta-potty: This is ridiculous. How can this many people need to go to the bathroom? This is so inefficient! They need to have separate porta-potties: one for the poopers and one for the pee-ers. That one's open now? Uh, you can go ahead of me. No, I'm not being nice. It's self preservation. That bear was in thereWAY too long.
• Standing and waiting for the start: Sheesh it's cold. I feel like I forgot something...what was it? Nah...just pre-race jitters. {Moment of silence announced} Prayer Time! "Dear Jesus, please don't let me die today. Or, fall flat on my face. Amen." Hmm..why can't I find a place for my gel pack today? Did I forget something? Nah...not as many times as I've run! Oh well. Where's a good place to put this? Hmm..the cavern of wasted space in my sports bra is the perfect place. {Star Spangled Banner starts playing} Dang! I always get so emotional when I hear this song sung. Wait. No one's singing? It's just music? Taped music? Hmm, my race funds put to good use, it seems!
• Race Starts: I'M GOING TO THROW UP. I'M GOING TO THROW UP. I'M GOING TO THROW UP. Must do something to distract myself. Time to turn up the tunes!!
• Three minutes in: Walk break (I take them every 3 minutes)! Oh, GOD, I'm going to be trampled!!!! Hmm..my left shoe seems a little loose. Wish I'd fixed that before I started. I have a feeling I'm going to regret that later.
• One mile in: WATER BOTTLE! I FORGOT MY STUPID WATER BOTTLE? You'd think I was a rookie!!!! Oh well, I'll be forced to drink water from a cup with the rest of the crowd. I'll survive. I think.
• Mile 2-4: Oi! My legs still feel like bricks. And we haven't even hit the hills. No way I'm P.R.ing today.
• Mile 5: That sounds like a car coming up behind me, up this giant god-forsaken-hill. {Peek over shoulder} Oh, shew. It's just a bear pushing a cub in a jog stroller RIGHT PAST ME LEAVING ME IN THE DUST. No biggie. My ego can handle it. Wait, is that cowbell I hear? Indeed it is!!! HEY DEAR BEAR-FRIEND AND HER PRECIOUS CUB!!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING OUT! IT'S SO COLD, BUT YOU CAME OUT, AND YOU ARE SO AWESOME!!!! MORE COWBELL!!! WITH FRIENDS LIKE THIS I CAN TOTALLY KICK THIS HALF!!!
• Mile 5.5: Oh! I'm halfway now! Time for my gel! I think I'm going to start a group called, "Runners Against Flapping Fannies." I've seen too many fannies flapping out of too-short-shorts today. Geesh. BUY SOME LONGER SHORTS BEARS!!
• Mile 6: Ooh. That mile was faaaast. Nothing like moral support to kick it up a notch. But maybe not SO much!
• Mile 6.5: Oops. NOW I'm halfway. Nothing like a half marathon to challenge your already lacking mathematical skills! Seriously, you'd think I was a rookie!
• Mile 7-8: Oh. Dear. Lord. When will these hills stop???? Time to kick it in if I want to P.R. Ignore screaming hamstrings. They are sissies.
• Mile 9: What mile was that? Crap. I officially have no earthly idea what mile I'm at, but I'm too embarrassed to ask another runner. Wait, is that the 2:00 pace group in my sights???? Woooo hoooo baby!
• Mile 10: Why hello, 2:00 pace group. Enjoy the view of my BEHIND folks. Because, I'm officially passing you now. I might just even SET A P.R. TODAY!!!
• Mile 11: Excuse me lady-bear, did you just say, "keep going, you can do it" as I stopped for my regularly scheduled interval? Ugh. I want to trip you. You are going to regret saying that when I pass you in a few minutes.
• Mile 12: I AM A KENYAN! I AM A KENYAN! I AM A KENYAN!!!!!!! I can totally do this. I'm going to do this!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M GOING TO DO THIS!!!! No tears girl, no time for tears!!! Oh, who am I kidding!!!
• Mile 12.1: I AM SO NOT A KENYAN!!! I THINK I'M GOING TO DIE! WHERE IS THE FINISH LINE??
• Mile 13: Why are all these bears standing around and NOT CHEERING FOR ME? I'm SETTING A P.R., bears! GET ROWDY!!!!
• Mile 13.1: I DID IT! I DID IT! I cannot believe it!!!! Oh, stop looking at me. I know I'm screaming like a banshee-bear. I know I'm making a fool out of myself. BUT THIS, this right here? THIS IS MY MOMENT. I'm going to bask in it. And you CAN NOT take it away from me. So, I'm going to jump, and I'm going to scream, BECAUSE I JUST RAN A HALF MARATHON IN UNDER TWO HOURS!!!!
• After receiving medal: Oh Dear Lord, I cannot walk. Breakfast burrito? Heck, yes! Bring it! Man. I'm really rethinking that whole - I'll walk home after the race. Two point two miles sounded so short this morning. Taxi? Taxi? Where are the taxis?
• After arriving home: Bathroom. Coffee. Shower. Fuzzy Slippers. Bed. STAT.

Thanks for all of your support. I'm now going to bed.

For a week.