Prayer for the 1st Time Chaperone

Dear Lord:

Today is my first day as field trip chaperone for the kindergarten bears.

I'm really nervous. I know you've got a lot on your hands, what with the earthquakes, oil spills, wars and such, but if you could...just maybe...take a little time to hear me out? I'll be quick.

• Please don't let me lose anyone. I really want to impress the other Teacher Bears and Mama & Papa Bears. And I'm thinking that losing a child doesn't instill the kind of confidence I'm looking for. Eyes in the back of my head, please!
• Please don't let me make a child cry. I mean, really. Kindergarteners cry at the drop of hat. But I don't want some precious, doe-eyed kid going home and telling their Mama & Papa Bears that Brother Bear's Mama Bear made them cry. I don't want to be the mean Mama Bear. Let me be the nice Mama Bear, please.
• No accidents if at all possible. Nothing says, "never let her near my cub again" like a broken arm or a chipped tooth. May the cubs under my watchful care be graceful and careful. If your feeling generous, I'd even take a few cautious cubs.
• Please let there be air on the bus. I've been to Africa, so I know hot and sweaty Lord. But nothing says stinky like a hot bus full of kindergarten bears. And, being perfectly honest with you, I won't survive long. Please let them all have taken care of their daily hygiene. And please, please, let there be air.
• Please let the cubs in my care follow the rules. You see, I'm a bear-pleaser. And there is nothing worse for me than to have cubs in my care be called down by officials. So, give me a handful of cautious rule following cubs, please. Oh, I know I'm asking for miracles now!
• One more thing, God. If you have time. If you could, for the love of all things Holy, just, and good with this world, please, please, please, puhleeeeeze keep anyone on the bus from having to use this:

I'd be really grateful.

Amen.

Understatement

Recently, I was at a local store, let's call it..."Bull's Eye" (in our household, we also call it, "the place where I go to buy things I totally don't need"). I decided to take a shortcut through the Papa Bears' clothing section and happened upon this:

May I remind you, I was in the PAPA BEARS' section? Needless to say, I got a serious case of the giggles. I also got a really weird stare when I took a picture (the things I'll do for my "art").

It got me to thinking. Is this what I should picture when they say, "Put on your big bear underwear and deal with it?" Because, if it is, I'm seeing that statement in a whole new light.

Fortune Teller

Brother Bear put this sign on his door yesterday. Translation (for those of you who don't read fluent phonetics): Keep Out! P.S. You know why I wrote this because you wouldn't give me a brownie".

That's right. We denied our cub...a brownie. Let it be known that we are not crazy food denying bears! Brother Bear made a poor choice earlier that morning that resulted in a consequence: no dessert privileges for the day. Unfortunately, his Y Guides tribe was coming over that evening, and I was making homemade brownies for the event...

Do you see the train wreck waiting to happen??

Needless to say, it was a rough afternoon of learning lessons and, apparently, a letter writing campaign. But we stuck to our guns (encouraged by a recent MOPS speaker). In case you are worried, I'm happy to report that Brother Bear did not starve.

I predict door slamming in our future.

Story Problem

A Mama Bear has 2 young cubs. One cub wants breakfast immediately. The other cub likes to dawdle. The cubs have less than forty five minutes to get dressed, eat breakfast, make up bed, brush teeth, comb hair and get in the car for morning carpool. One cub was extra dawdle-y. The other cub was extra hungry. The Mama Bear needed to "encourage" the dawdle-y cub while also feeding the hungry cub. So the Mama Bear got crafty. What do you get when you have one hungry bear cub, add a Mama Bear's smoothie and subtract a Mama Bear?

Answer:

How to be a 19 month old and be successful

Sugar Bear is 19 months old. It feels like time has just whizzed by (well, most days)!! She has become a very successful 19 month old. So, for all those nearly 19 month old cubs out there reading this blog, I decided to get Sugar Bear to give some advice on how to be a really good 19 month old cub.

Here are the basic tenets:

• Wake up in the morning and immediately ask for "breh-fist" (a.k.a. breakfast). If ignored, begin chanting, "breh-fist, breh-fist, breh-fist" until noticed.
• Place "breh-fist" order.
• When placed in high chair for breh-fist, scream and cry as if you've been placed in a dungeon. Add crocodile tears as necessary.
• Through tears begin saying, "seer-up, seer-up, seer-up" (syrup) until Mama or Papa Bear can manage to pour the "seer-up" on your "wa-foo" (waffle). Then yell, "bay-cun" until Mama or Papa Bear places "bay-cun" (bacon) on your plate.
• When asked whether you want milk or water to drink say "muk or wader?" over and over until Mama Bear places both milk and water on your tray.
• Tell Mama Bear you are all done, then scream like a banshee when Mama Bear tries to remove your food.
• When Mama Bear has returned to her chair, tell her you are all done again.
• Repeat previous 2 steps until you tire of this game.
• Grab your favorite book and ask your Mama Bear to "readit uh-gin".
• Repeat above step. 420 times.
• When told it's time to "go go" for our morning activity (gym, playground, library, school - insert your favorite here), throw a fit and scream, "NO!" over and over.
• When you arrive at said activity, act as if your Mama Bear is torturing you. Continue to scream "NO" at the top of your lungs, garnering as much attention as possible.
• Five minutes later, begin enjoying said activity as if nothing ever happened.
• When it is time to leave morning activity, act as if your Mama Bear is the meanest bear alive by removing you from the funnest thing you've ever done.
• Once in car (and resigned to leaving fun activity), begin placing lunch order (it's never too early!). Begin chanting, "pee-nu-buttah, jelleee" until Mama Bear confirms that you will indeed have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich as requested.
• When you arrive home, run to high chair and continue "pee-nu-buttah" chant. Allow Mama Bear to place you in your high chair, but DO NOT stop the chant until the "pee-nu-buttah" is in front of you.
• Take one bite from each triangle of your peanut butter sandwich.
• Lose interest and begin making requests off of Mama Bear's plate. If ignored, shout, "all done" until released from high chair.
• Grab your favorite book and ask your Mama Bear to "readit uh-gin".
• Repeat above step. 590 times.
• Run around room pressing buttons to all toys that make noises or sing songs so that all are going at the same time. Grin the cutest grin possible.
• Refuel for afternoon by taking nap.
• Wake up from nap asking for snack and "brud-er".
• Enjoy afternoon of playing with/torturing Brother Bear. If in doubt that Brother Bear is not playing nicely, sharing or otherwise catering to your every want and desire, scream a blood curdling scream for the entire neighborhood to hear.
• When Papa Bear comes home, convince him with your wily ways that he must get on the "tamp-o-lee" immediately.
• Jump on trampoline with Papa Bear and Brother Bear until time for dinner.
• When dinner is mentioned, begin listing off your favorite foods in order of preference.
• When it is confirmed that you will not be eating "pizza, pee-nuh-buttah, banana, upple-sis, or yo-gut" begin crying. Before food is placed in front of you say, "all done". Refuse to even examine your plate. Repeat until released from high chair.
• Run around room pressing buttons to all toys that make noises or sing songs so that all are going at the same time. Grin the cutest grin possible. If not noticed, try again - adding dancing.
• Scream with torture when a bath is suggested.
• Once in bathtub, enjoy immensely. Splash with abandon. Giggle at Brother Bear. Play, play, play.
• When removed from bath, act as if you are being killed.
• Begin asking for "pa-see" as soon as you are plucked from the bathwater.
• Continue asking until Papa Bear acquiesces and gives you the pacifer that is "only for the crib."
• Enjoy bedtime books with Papa Bear.
• Go to Sleep.
• Repeat
• Modify as necessary to keep things interesting.

Just follow her simple plan and you, too could be a successful 19 month old bear cub! All it takes is a little time and determination!