Imagine if you will a harried Mama Bear on a busy Monday morning. In her normal fashion, she brilliantly scheduled her bear cub's appointment with a very-important-doctor-bear for 8 a.m. Downtown. (In her defense, she was worried about her bear cub missing something important in - get this - kindergarten). Additionally, Papa Bear had come down with a raging case of what they thought would soon be gonna-go-blind-itis and needed her to take him to an emergency eye doctor appointment later that morning.
The family scurried downtown and actually arrived 10 minutes early in order to meet with the very-important-doctor-bear. Everyone was on their best behavior for the first 45 - 50 minutes of the wait. Then, of course, things started to go south which coincided nicely with the arrival of the very-important-doctor-bear. Things only got worse when the very-important-doctor-bear delivered some less than optimum news. The Mama Bear attempted to stay strong but now had an angry, sad, bear cub on her hands.
The Mama Bear did her best to console her bear cub all the while trying to hurry him back to school so that she could take her betrothed to the doctor on time. With said bear cub back at school, she rushed home to retrieve her now nearly blind and incapacitated Papa Bear. They hopped back in the family vehicle and with little time to spare, were off to the next appointment.
In her hurry to get to the next appointment, the Mama Bear did a very poor parking job. But fearing that her spouse could lose his eyesight at any moment, she felt that there just wasn't enough time to correct matter. Thus, she left her car parked dangerously close to the one next to her and squeezed herself out as quickly as possible and rushed to the doctor.
(Now is a good time to insert some helpful information about this hypothetical Mama Bear. She's been trying very hard to reduce her post bear cubs fluff and has recently met with relative success. Not enough success to make her fit into her old sizes, but enough to give her just a wee bit of confidence that she someday could.)
Fast forward 30 minutes or so. Mama Bear, Papa Bear and the youngest cub return from appointment all relieved that Papa Bear will not lose his eyesight. Delirious with relief (and confident with her recent reduction in fluff) she eyes her previous parking job and assures herself that she and her bear cub can return to the vehicle as easily as they exited it. Why? Well, because she's confident, and her new ride has automatic sliding doors! That's why!
This Mama Bear gingerly squeezes herself and her cub in between the two vehicles. She contorts her body in order to buckle the cub into the car seat. At this point she simultaneously closes the electronic sliding passenger door and tries to enter the driver's door. Why? Well, because she's a multi-tasker, and because she thinks she can! That's why!
Shortly there after, the Mama Bear realizes that the electronic sliding passenger door is quickly coming closed on the, uh, right half of her, ummm, derriere. Panic sets in. Having never tested the "safety open feature", she fears the worst. She is certain that she is about to get half her fluffy fanny stuck in her vehicle door. Visions of a 9-1-1 call, fire trucks and giggling paramedics enter her head. Sweating profusely and near fainting, she shuts her eyes and squeals a prayer that the safety feature does indeed work as it was advertised.
Then what can only be described as as a miracle occurs and the door begins loudly beeping and starts its slow descent off of her derriere. The Mama Bear was safe. She looked up to see that no one (save her spouse and her bear cub) witnessed the event. Despite ribbing from the ever so funny Papa Bear, she would live to see another day.
And they all lived happily ever after.
Hypothetically, of course.
Hypothetically, I am laughing my derriere off right now... :-)
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