At least it isn't genetic...

(My apologies for the interference. We were at the literal tippy, tippiety top of a mountain and the wind was breathtaking.)

Yep. That's my cub. Taking approximately 25 years off my life as he catapults himself down a mountain at breakneck speed. (rest assured, no cubs were injured in the filming of this video. And, he did stop without killing himself - or anyone else).

At times, I'd like to give him some of my fear. Just a smidgen.

Because, at this rate, I'm going to be 63 by the end of the week.

No one said this would be easy...

All in all, last week was a crummy week. Papa Bear was out of town on business, my purse was stolen, I locked my keys in the car the next day, someone mistook me as being SEVEN YEARS older than I actually am...you know...just your regular, run of the mill crummy week. Crummy.

This week, I have still been struggling with my frustrations from last week, plus feeling a wee bit vulnerable after publicly "announcing" my fears and my journey to overcome them. Being open and honest also means you lay yourself open and vulnerable. And I'll be straight up honest with you right now: being vulnerable is not a comfortable feeling for me.

So, on Thursday of this week, I had to endure a "test." It really wasn't a test, just a necessary part of the process for my long-term goal over a year from now. (Side bar: many of you have figured out my goal - in theory. A few of you have figured it out - exactly. The last few of you are still living in la-la land waiting for me to announce a pregnancy. I'll let you keep your guesses, or keep living in la-la land. Because I cannot yet speak the words.) Although it wasn't a real test, the word "test" was involved.

And it messed with my brain.

Because this "test" was like the amuse bouche of the all you can eat buffet ahead of me. And I was done, finished, kaput after just one bite of the amuse bouche. All I could think about the entire time was how horrible I felt, and how the goal I set for myself was impossible, unreachable, and - most importantly - just plain stupid. Oh, and that now I've let all my friends and family know I've set this stupid, unattainable goal too. Nice.

Now, in theory, I passed the test. But in my head, I walked away feeling a level of defeat, frustration, and FEAR than I cannot even communicate.

A part of me wanted to quit. Just walk away. Tell myself I could never do this, could never measure up. And for a moment, I listened.

And then another part of me spoke up and said, "no one ever said this would be easy." And CyberBears, I'm learning early on, this is not easy.

But here's the thing: that's why I'm taking this on. I picked a goal that, honestly, I have no earthly idea whether I can achieve. It's quite possible that this just might be an epic failure. And it terrifies me.

The root of why I'm so terrified is what I'm hoping to figure out during this process. And, I'm certainly not sure where this process is going to take me.

Until then, I'm going have to force myself to settle into this discomfort. And take my MamaBear's very sage advice: "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time."

I can also hang on to you CyberBears who I am confident are carrying me forward when I am frozen with fear. How am I so confident? Because every day, I look at this:

a small reminder card a CyberBear found and sent me in the mail, which I've taped on the blinds over my kitchen sink. I look at it multiple times a day and remind myself of God's promise in this verse - that he is with me on this journey, and he will not abandon me in this process (or, ever for that matter!).

Or this:

A card from another CyberBear who shares not only my brain, but my sense of humor.

Or this:

(the front of another card sent by a CyberBear)

Because, if all else fails, I'll just channel Elvis.

(Have I mentioned how great you CyberBears are? MWWAH! {that's me giving y'all a big ol' sloppy CyberKiss!} You guys ROCK!)

So, for now, I'm walking forward on blind faith. Not yet confident that this is truly something I can do. But I do know that, no matter what, it's exactly where I'm supposed to be.

"...Two roads diverged in a wood, and I --

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference."

(Robert Frost, Two Roads Diverged in a Yellow Wood)

Jumping on Faith

This past weekend, I started my journey to break free from fear, and today, I'm writing about it on Facebook. Click here to read more about it.

BEFORE

The sign may say one thing...but my body language is saying something completely different! So thankful for the ever faithful support of JoBear. Even if she wouldn't let me turn around.

AFTER

TERRA FIRMA baby, TERRA FIRMA.

As a special treat for my CyberBears (because, I truly love you guys) I have video of this event. I'm warning you now, if you are watching this at work or around dogs with sensitive ears, TURN DOWN THE VOLUME BUTTON. All I can say is that I didn't even realize that noise was coming out of my body. THAT is how scared I was.

I repeat. Turn down the volume. You have been warned.

Oh. And don't be afraid to laugh when you watched this. I sure did.

I have a feeling I'm going to be doing a lot of laughing over the next year.

And that might just be a good thing.

Hit me with your best shot!

Remember this post? Yeah....me too. A mere 6 months ago, someone broke into my car and stole my purse while I was at the gym working out.

Today, while I was working out at the gym, someone broke into my padlocked locker and stole my purse.

First things first: Yes, I checked the lock and it WAS LOCKED. I'm kinda anal about it since someone stole my purse six months ago.

The first time I felt violated but embarrassed because I had forgotten my purse in the car. This time? Violated and frightened. Because my purse not only had my identification, but the keys to my car and MY HOUSE.

Does anyone else see the humor in this happening less than 24 hours after announcing my personal challenge to tackle my fears?

So, I decided not to let fear be my guide (Cautious and smart, yes. Fearful, no.) I had a policeman check my house before I returned.

Then.

Then I let ANGER be my guide. I pulled up my big girl panties and decided to face this HEAD ON like a FREIGHT TRAIN.

Hey thief! If you are reading this. YES, YOU. GAME ON. GAME FREAKING ON!

I called the credit card companies and got all the information I need to give to the detective in hopes of securing video surveillance of the thieves in action. I then thought I would throw a shot in the dark and see if the "find my phone" app on my phone would possibly help.

And guess what?

That nifty little app worked. Guess where the blinking beacon said my phone was located?

AT THE STINKING GYM.

I marched (emphasis on march) myself back up to the gym with my computer. I showed them the map, explained that it was clear my phone was still in the vicinity, and then told them I wasn't leaving until we found it.

I then asked (okay, told) them to continuously press the "ping phone" button until I found it. And they did.

For two hours straight.

I checked the entire parking lot. The drainage gullies. I put on gloves and checked every dumpster in the parking lot and EVERY. SINGLE. TRASH CAN in the gym.

Before we go any further, I think it's important that I give you these 2 important pieces of information:

1. people at the gym use way, way, WAY too many paper towels. I believe this gym alone deforested a small country in South America. And they were ALL nasty.

2. I shall never eat at a local neighborhood hot spot again. Blech.

I even went in the nearby drugstore to check. The conversation with the employee went something like this:

MB: Hi. My purse was stolen and my phone locater says it is somewhere in this vicinity. Has anyone turned in a phone?

EMPLOYEE BEAR: Nope.

MB: Okay. Well, I'm pinging the phone right now. Have you heared any beeping? Or anything like it?

EMPLOYEE BEAR: Nope. But to be honest with you, I hear beeping and other noises pretty much all the time.

MB: .....

(Note to self: have prescriptions transferred after replacing driver's license)

After all that, I returned to the gym, positive that the phone was STILL THERE. I just knew it. I took another stab at the trash cans. At which point, one of the gym janitors decided to help me out. He asked me if I checked the lockers. I told him I had checked the locker room trash cans. He asked if I had checked EVERY SINGLE locker. I told him I hadn't. Why would it still be in the LOCKERS? So, nearing defeat, I decided to try his idea. I returned to the locker room and began opening and shutting every. single. locker.

Guess what?

I found my purse.

And my keys.

And my phone - still beeping and displaying the message: THIS PHONE IS STOLEN PROPERTY. RETURN TO GYM IMMEDIATELY OR RISK PROSECUTION. (I meant it when I said "GAME ON.")

But not my wallet.

Seems the thieves were interested in only my easy cash and credit cards and nothing else. They busted my lock, snagged my wallet and threw the rest in another locker about ten lockers away.

So, I guess I can rest a little more safely tonight.

But that little thief?

Better sleep with one eye open.

Because, I AM NOT AFRAID.

********************************

Now, I have a question for you, CyberBears. The operations manager at the gym said she "wants to compensate me" for my troubles. That "I shouldn't have dealt with this twice." So, she is going to "talk to corporate" about this and "see what they can do."

I told her thank you, and that I would discuss it with her later. My chief concern at the moment was getting my purse. But I was also afraid that if I accepted any offer right there, I would be required to sign papers releasing them from liability...which I wasn't ready to do (and, am still not sure I'm ready to do).

So..CyberBears. What should I do? Dump the gym? (my beloved trainer works there. I'm not sure I can imagine going forward with my training without his support). Accept an offer of a few free months and be happy? Get a lawyer?

Seriously. I need proper advice. I don't want to bilk anyone. However, I do want the folks at this place to get a clue about the serious problem they have going on right under their noses. Leave your thoughts in the comments section. Feel free to keep 'em anonymous.

Unless of course, you are the thief. In that case, I'd like your name and address, please. Quid pro quo.

Oh. And my only iPhone complaint? That "lost phone ping" needs to be MUCH MUCH louder. MeMaw spent too much time today with her head hovered over trash cans trying to hear her new fangled phone. But I guess I can't complain since their app found my stuff.

Clear as mud?

Y'all.

Have I mentioned how much I love you CyberBears? Come a lil' closer to the screen. Closer. Lil' more....now {SQUEEEEEZZZZZZZE!!!!!} (That's me giving you all a big ol' CyberHug.)

You guys are so fun. And so sweet. And so supportive.

Thank you.

However, what you AREN'T is familiar with the game of Clue. I thought I gave you 3 pretty big clues (2 pictures, 1 written). However, it seems I need to do some clarifying (without, of course, revealing too much). So, to clarify:

1. Despite what many of you would LOVE to see, it's not another cub. Seriously. I love my 2 cubs to death. But another cub? VERY, VERY, VERY AFRAID. And, surprisingly enough, I don't feel the need to overcome that one.

2. Permanent body art will NOT be a part of this.

One more hint (For a total of 5..because, if you are good at the game of clue, you just caught another clue mere seconds ago). And that's all. After that, I'm not discussing it, confirming it, or denying it. Because, I might just throw up all over you. And that would just be rude.

So. Final Clue:

A small sampling of the mere REJECTS:

GAH.

Did I mention, GAH? BLACH? EEEEEK?

I really mean it when I say that all my hopes and dreams almost died RIGHT THEN AND THERE in that horrifically lit room o' torture.

Okay. That is all. We shall never speak of this again.

Ever.

I'm not afraid!

It's time to come clean: I was afraid to write this post.

Really. I put a deadline on this. Then I pushed it. And pushed it again. All because I was afraid. Which, I think is such a perfect example of why I've decided to embark on a journey of sorts.

But first, let me fill you in a little more...

Years ago, during a High School discipleship weekend, I discovered a verse that I just loved. So, I claimed it for myself. The verse is:

For God did not give us a spirit of cowardice, but rather a spirit of power and of love and of self-discipline. II Timothy 1:7

For some reason, this verse spoke to me in a way I had never experienced before. It was my mantra for surviving high school and life as a Christian. I was not afraid! God gave me power, love, and self-discipline! With that, I could conquer anything, right?

Well, it's been a while since high school and I sit here now in front of this computer and admit to you today: I am a Mama Bear enslaved by fear.

Now, it's not like these fears are keeping me from leaving the den or anything. They just seem to pervade every part of my life and I think they've eaten away at the Mama/Woman Bear I think God created and intended me to be.

I don't know how it happened. I figure it crept up on me slowly and then finally overwhelmed me. It seems so crazy though. I'm a confident Mama Bear! You wouldn't think on first meeting that I'm so controlled by fear. Yet, I am.

But I've finally decided to do something about it.

I recently celebrated a birthday and in less than 365 days I'll reach another one. A milestone one. I could be afraid. But I won't be. Instead, I've decided spend then next year on a voyage of self discovery, attempting to take back control, and - hopefully - free myself from the fear that has controlled me for too long.

Want to join me?

There will be "little" challenges throughout the year. But I've also set a big goal for myself. It deals with a fear that hangs over me like a rain cloud every single day. This big goal will take over a year of preparation. And it terrifies me.

Truly.

I'm not going to let you know what it is just yet. Just know that I had to overcome a real fear just to even let you CyberBears know I'd set the goal. But I will give you a few hints. It involved a visit here:

and maybe to a place that does this:

(Trust me. The first place was waaaaaaaay more painful than the second! And it almost derailed the whole thing.)

But now I'm going public. I'm forcing myself to admit this out loud (so to speak) to make myself follow through.

I hope you follow me along this journey. I don't know where it's going to take me. But I'm ready to break these chains, reclaim II Timothy 1:7, and see what happens. And, who knows, maybe I've struck a cord with you too? Maybe you need to start a similar journey. I would love some other weary travelers to join me along the way.

And, in the words of the famous poet, Eminem,

I'm not afraid, to take a stand

Everybody, come take my hand

We'll walk this road together, through the storm

Whatever weather, cold or warm

Just let'n you know, you're not alone

Holla if you feel like you've been down the same road.

(Is it grounds for instant damnation if you quote Scripture and Eminem in the same blog post? I sure hope not...)

Here's to a year of breaking free from fear.

Let the journey begin.......

Friday Randoms

I'm writing this post as I desperately try to get ready to head out of town for a Women's Retreat and concurrently parent my cubs. Nothing like multi-tasking to make a Mama Bear feel competent (sarcasm font, please!).

I don't normally post on the weekends. However, I'm working on something that...well...is a big deal for me. I've been scheming this for a while now. But the pieces are falling into place, and my personal deadline to make it public has already passed. So...I'm forcing myself to commit to this. But I need a few quiet minutes away from my precious (but time sucking) cubs in order to process my thoughts and write them up. Insert perfectly timed Women's Retreat!! Yeah! So, assuming that the retreat location has Wifi and assuming I can actually figure out said Wifi (both BIG ifs) I'm going to post this weekend. If not, I'll have the post on Monday.

I'm saying this more to FORCE myself into going public with my plan rather than torture you into hitting refresh all weekend. Nothing like a blog to keep one honest...

Until then, a few randoms for you:

• My Brother Bear and I were texting back and forth yesterday about this restaurant I saw. He had some pretty snazzy ideas about it that left us both hungry.

What do you think Cyberbears? Culinary Genius or Culinary Disaster??

• This:

has been sitting neatly packed in our bedroom ready to go since Thursday. He doesn't leave until Sunday night!!! Me? I packed my hospital bag for both my deliveries while in active labor and am currently franticly writing my "talk" at the Women's Retreat (whilst blogging and parenting said cubs). Tomorrow. Yet another reason why he and I are truly made for each other.

• I've decided to try my hand at becoming a morning bear. I'm five days in and, surprisingly, I haven't died yet. Only one morning was an epic failure. My wake-up times have been (M-F): 6:30, 6:15, 6:15, 6:00 and (insert trumpet sound) 5:45!! My bedtime however, is embarrassingly early now. Just call me MeMaw as I went to SLEEP at 9:30 p.m. last night (I was in bed even earlier). Next on my list? Conquering the world, waking up at 5:15 a.m., and figuring out something to do in the mornings other than drink a cup of coffee and wander aimlessly around the house in my jammies. (Baby Steps, right?)

Okay. That's it for today.

Be looking for more from me soon....

First Aid kit

Do you remember the Band Aid ad where the little kids sang, "I am stuck on Band Aid Brand 'cuz Band Aid's stuck on me?" Sugar Bear is totally stuck on Band Aids. They are pretty cool, 'ya know...

Today I'm talking about Band Aids and healing. Click here to read more.

Sacrifice

Sugar Bear (after seeing the following leftover piece of King Cake): Mama Bear! Der's one more piece of King's pie left. And I will have it.

The piece she actually received:
*********************

After discussing Mardi Gras and Lent with Brother Bear, he began the process of deciding what he would give up for Lent. The list (in order):

• Wii (After realizing it would be forty LONG days without the Wii, he promptly turned this down)
• Sleeping with Lovie (blanket), Wolfie (stuffed wolf), and Shatto (stuffed cow) (After realizing he was breaking his Mama Bear's heart, he chose against this)
• Homework (After realizing that wasn't the sacrifice he deemed it to be, he moved on)
• Playing with Legos (After realizing he would be bereft without his precious legos, he kept thinking)

And the winner?

Sugary drinks. While he doesn't really get a lot of sugary drinks in our house (thus, it's not a huge sacrifice), we embrace and support his desire to participate in the process.

*********************

Here's to walking the path to the Cross and remembering the sacrifice together with each of you. May the path fill you with the hope, peace and grace that is Jesus Christ.

Conversations

Mama Bear: Sugar Bear, it's raining and very cold outside. Please choose something to wear that is appropriate for the cold and the rain.

Sugar Bear:

Mama Bear: .....

--------------------------

Mama Bear: You look beautiful Sugar Bear!

Sugar Bear: NO, MAMA! I LOOK GAWWWJUSSS.

Mama Bear: .....

Mommy Dearest

Lest you think it's all, "NO MORE WIRE HANGERS" around here, I thought I'd post a reality check:

See? I am no domestic goddess. Other than a working laundry system and some pre-made PB&Js, I'm pretty much a mess (although, please note the folded laundry in the basket on the couch).

Just keeping it real.

Taking Sides

Have you ever been faced with taking sides? Sure you have! Everyone has! Today on Facebook, I'm discussing the old adage, "there are two sides to every story." Click here to read more.

Sandwich Love

Back for the second (and final) installment of All Things Domestic? I'm hoping the build up didn't ruin it for you.

First and foremost, I did not come up with this idea myself. I'll give credit where credit is due. My friend Emily told me about it and as soon as she did, I realized it would make a huge difference for me.

But first, the front story: I have a classic bell curve when it comes to my productivity each day. I start out veeeeery slowly about 6:40 a.m. (exactly 20 minutes later than I plan. Every. Single. Day.) I am in NO WAY a morning bear. Well, actually, I am a bear in the mornings. Literally. I can't form sentences until about 7:00 a.m., and critical thinking skills don't set in until about 7:40 a.m. (which, incidentally, coincides exactly with the time that I have to start hustling Brother Bear out of the door). If I could change one thing about myself? I'd want to be a morning person. Really, I'd love to be one of those early-rising-productive-before-the-sun-rises kind of Mama Bears. But, alas. I'm not.

By about 9:45-10:00 in the morning, my productivity picks up. By 11:00 a.m. I'm kicking backside and taking names. By 1:00 p.m., most things are accomplished and I can slow down a bit, and by 3:00 p.m., I'm hit by the great train of cub pick up, homework, activities, play dates and dinner prep. By the time dinner is on the table at 6:00 - 6:30 p.m., My critical thinking skills are again at an all time low. By 8:30 p.m., I'm mush-for-brains, and by 10:30 p.m. I'm asleep with a book my Kindle in my hand (when, oh WHEN, did I become a Memaw? Next up, glasses on a chain and a "patio dress").

My productivity curve flies directly in the face of my desire to be efficient with my cubs' lunch prep. One would think making a cub's (or multiple cub's lunches) would be simple. Yes, if I were making it at 11:00 a.m. But here's an idea of what lunch prep looks like at the times I've tried it:

Lunch prep the night before (somewhere between 9:00 p.m. - 10:30 p.m.) - Get peanut butter out of pantry. Walk to beverage fridge and get juice. Realize I need lunch box to make lunch. Retrieve lunch box. Go to pantry to get peanut butter. Realize that it's sitting on counter. Get bread from fridge. Return to fridge for jelly. Get distracted by question from Papa Bear. Go to pantry to get peanut butter. Curse my memory. Spread peanut butter on bread. Return peanut butter to pantry. Get yogurt from freezer. Realize I forgot to put jelly on bread. Spread jelly on bread. Spend 5 minutes figuring out which fruit, chips, dessert combination I served in previous day's lunch. Create a non-used-the-day-before combination. Write semi-witty/loving note (or, picture for Sugar Bear). Zip up bags, put in fridge (Or, worse, accidentally leave on counter overnight). Total time elapsed: +/- 20 minutes.

Lunch prep the morning of (somewhere between 6:40 a.m. - 7:40 a.m.) - Stand in kitchen looking around in a futile attempt to locate pantry. Pour cup of coffee. Stare at empty lunch box and try to remember what it was I was supposed to be doing. Guzzle coffee. Retrieve bread from fridge. Stare at bread willing it to miraculously jump out of bag and dance itself into a sandwich. Pour another cup of coffee. Go back to bed. Total time elapsed: +/- 1 hour.

You can see why, when my friend offered me a simple tip to help increase my lunch making productivity, I was ALL IN.

Here's her MAGIC TIP.

Seriously. I tried it this weekend. Saturday while Papa Bear and the kids were playing, I slapped together 10 sandwiches, wrapped 'em up and stuck 'em in the freezer. The night before, I threw in the juice, chips, dessert, fruit, yogurt and then grabbed a sandwich and threw it in too. Total time elapsed: +/- 3 minutes.

I can't say scientifically WHY it increased my lunch making efficiency so much. BUT I KNOW IT DID.

So very simple! For those of you with nut allergy issues, you'll see the alternate tip my bearfriend suggests. I think you could also change it to a ham or turkey sandwich (without the cheese? I hear it doesn't freeze well...never tried it). My kids ONLY eat PB&J. Sigh.

So there you go. You are welcome.

That now completes my lengthy series on domesticity. We shall return to our regularly scheduled programing after this brief message from our sponsors: Jiffy Peanut Butter & Ginko Supplements (ha ha ha. You know that's a joke, right? No one sponsors this bloggy.)

Rockin' your world

If you are back today for my second (last) domestic tip, my apologies. You will not get it today. My bearfriend who taught me the tip is featuring it on her blog tomorrow, and I refuse to steal her thunder. So....never fear. Your lunch world will be rocked. But you'll have to wait until tomorrow. I'll link up to her blog and tell you my personal thoughts about it too.

Until then, I hate to promise a post and not deliver. I saw this yesterday and was TOTALLY freaked out by it. I felt it was my obligation to freak y'all out too. This, too will rock your world. Trust me.

Click here.

Enjoy. Or, run screaming from the computer. Whichever you choose.