You are a redneck when...

This is a true story of our return trip from The Land of The Bears...

We decided to make our 16 hour return trip in one day, so we packed the car the night before in order to facilitate an early start the next morning. Both cubs were dressed and fed before 7 a.m. (a small miracle in our den), and we were out the door at 7 a.m. sharp. Brother Bear, having been appropriately drugged with Dramamine was a happy clam, and Sugar Bear and I were passing the time singing songs.

The roughest part of the trip is the first hour, as we are driving out of the mountains and we already know that Brother Bear and I suffer from car sickness while in the mountains. Well, about 45 minutes into the trip Sugar Bear started saying, "I wanna go home. I wanna go to sleep." I, ever the optimist, thought this was perfect because she would maybe sleep some of the way. I gave her all of her sleeping necessities: lovie, blankie, lamb and paci and hoped she would soon be hibernating.

And then she looked at me, and I knew we had a problem. Everything went into slow motion at that point. I grabbed the emesis basin we keep in the car for these express purposes, but unfortunately, I was too late. She started barfing everywhere and refused to vomit in the basin. Lovie, blankie, lamb, paci, the car seat and her clothes were all casualties.

We pulled over as quickly as possible and started triage. I stripped her down to her diaper and wiped her down as best as I could while Papa Bear tried to start cleaning the car seat with baby wipes. I assessed the damage and promptly told Papa Bear we were driving directly to the Mal Wart* (*name changed for privacy...ahem) in town and buying a new car seat. Ever the penny pincher, Papa Bear said he could get it clean. I then proceeded to tell him in no uncertain terms that there was no way I was driving 15+ hours in a van with a six year old car seat that reeked of regurgitated cheerios and milk with Brother Bear gaging and saying, "eww! It stinks!" every 15 seconds. (This story is sounding eerily reminiscent of the trip some 28 years ago when my family learned the hard way that I suffered from car sickness. But I digress). Papa Bear relented, and I plopped Sugar Bear in my lap while Papa Bear drove us straight to the local Mal Wart. (Thankfully, it was a 24 hour store, as we had barely reached 8 a.m.)

I went in the store to get the new car seat, pacifier, Lysol wipes, baggies and air freshener and instructed Papa Bear to find the local hazardous waste disposal plant to properly dispose of the car seat and other accoutrements (Turns out that's the dumpster in back of the local Mal Wart. Who knew?)

(Sidenote: I was forced to buy a new car seat with: 1) only the selection provided in said Mal Wart and 2) NO prior research or comparison shopping. Let's just say this was a major "growth experience" for me.)

When I returned $100 dollars poorer, Sugar Bear was running amok in the van (remember, we just threw away the car seat) and Papa Bear mentioned something along the lines of "I think she's having a poop."

We commenced cleaning at that point, with me prepping the new car seat and disinfecting things, while Papa Bear triple bagged all the tainted items that had to make the drive home.

Finally, we were ready to install the car seat when Papa Bear notices that Sugar Bear has something on her leg. Then he says, " Oh my God, it's poop! She has poop all over her!" Now, mind you, it's been a good 15 minutes since that off handed comment about "I think she's having a poop" to now. And she's made several trips from the back of the van to the front as well as taken a seat in the new car seat. I take one look in the van and new car seat and realize that more Lysol wipes are in order. Papa Bear takes a hold of Sugar Bear while I wipe up her, the new car seat and the car. I then proceed to change her diaper.

On the ground.

In the parking lot of Mal Wart.

Lest you think I'm making this all up, Papa Bear deemed the event "picture worthy".

It's stories like these that made me start a blog.

Feel free to laugh. I still am.

What we've been up to

Two weeks ago, the Four Bears Den headed to The Land of The Bears for our annual family vacation with my Mother and Daddy Bear and the clan. Much fun was had by all.

As there is no way I can write down all that we did, I thought I'd give you a tiny visual peek into our time away.

Enjoy.

I know we sure did!

Sugar Bear's first ride on "the rapids"

Family hike to "Buzzard Lookout"

Nature up close and personal

Down time with dominoes

Feeding the animals at the family reunion

Kick of your shoes and stay a while

Lighting a fire with "One Match GranDaddy Bear"

No words necessary...

Ahhhh.....

Blast Off!

This week, Brother Bear has been participating in a Science Camp along with another buddy of his from school. The theme of the camp was space and rocketry. Let's just say that if Brother Bear were a pig, this camp would be the proverbial mud. Brother Bear has had a blast. Literally.

This camp, however, has highlighted a serious Mama Bear fear I've been haunted by since giving birth. I was expecting this fear to be realized somewhere around 10th grade when Bear would come to me and say, "Mama Bear, can you help me with my Trig homework?" And then I would break into hives and stammer out, "Well, uh, no Brother Bear. Um...you see, Mama Bear, uh...didn't really take Trig in high school. Or college. Or, um....EVER." And then the magic spell where Brother Bear believes that I know absolutely everything would end and life would just be downhill from there.

Ahem.

Unfortunately for me, this camp has accelerated that plan by a mere, oh, ten years or so. He has come home from camp talking about things that I have NO EARTHLY idea what they are. He might as well be speaking another language. In fact, he IS. It's called nerd-ese. And, Cyber Bears, let me tell you that is one language in which I am NOT fluent. Let's just say that I think I faked it for this week. Do they have Cliff Notes for science and math? I think I'm going to need them. Soon.

Anyhoo, this morning was the culminating event of camp. They launched the rockets they had been building all week. The joy on his face was worth the price of admission. Thought you all would want to see it too.

How sweet the sound!

I could only get this on the voice recorder (Sugar Bear was too distracted otherwise). And the fact that she has the hiccups only makes it cuter (says me).

May these words sung by the sweetest bear cub around give you joy today!

All is right again..

Need I say more?

(For those of you that care, I waited 6 months for those babies. It took every fiber of my being not to take every. single. one. off the shelf.)

Uh oh.

Today is the first day of summer. Coincidentally, we ran out of our first bottle of sunscreen for the summer today at exactly 11:03 a.m.

God bless our melanin challenged den.

I suggest that you all buy stock in Coppertone ASAP.

Fetish

By the looks of it, you would think Sugar Bear has developed a bit of a shoe fetish:

But, since those are all Mama Bear shoes, I prefer to think that she's just acquiring good taste at an early age.

What can I say? Shoes are the ONLY piece of clothing that always fit without the aid of a tailor or a pair of spanx. That's one thing this big, furry, Mama Bear can get her paws around!

Loud and clear

I believe The Universe is speaking to me. What do you think:

I hear ya! Loud and clear.

Yeah to the nice Post Woman who stopped her vehicle to see if I was okay (well, since I was sprawled in the middle of the road, I guess she sorta had to).

Boo to the folks having a party in their front yard who totally ignored me falling flat on my face in front of them.

Who knew running was a contact sport? (and, yes, the "contact" was asphalt)

Im-pedi-ments

Do you have things in life that impede your progress? Get in the way, slow you down, keep you from your ultimate potential?

Yeah. Me too:

That's right. MY TOES. It's my toes that get in my way. Well, not all my toes. Just those stupid last 2 on each foot. They're always getting caught on things like, you know, chairs and such. Apparently, my toes like to jump out and grab things when I'm not looking. I'm embarrassed to admit this happens waaaaay too often. And, I've got to tell you, I don't enjoy it very much. It leads to much pain and agony (and lots of creative words too). And it sorta puts a kink in my running.

But at least this time, my im-pedi-ment coordinates well with my pedi, right?

Perfection

Have you read this article?

Please, take a moment and read it. Then, take another moment and re-read it (it's short). Then, come back here and let me know your thoughts in the comments section.

It's an interesting and intriguing article. I'm curious about what you Cyber Bears think about it too...

What my life has become

As Papa Bear and I drove up to the valet stand on a recent (rare, but recent) date night, I commented on the humor of valet parking our...mini van. Not really a babe catching/hot date vehicle. Good thing Papa Bear already caught me!

Anyway, saw this video recently and it made me laugh. Hysterically. So, I thought I'd share it with you Cyber Bears.

This is what my life has become:

But let it be known, even though this is what my life has become, I wouldn't change it one bit.

Not one.

A, B, C...

The student council at Brother Bear's school is sponsoring a school wide countdown to the end of the year. They are using the alphabet and counting down the last 26 days with letter themed days (don't get me started on how ABCs aren't numbers and if you were to "count down" you would start with Z, not A! Bear Cubs thought this up...not Mama Bears. I'm trying to just go with it!).

Anyway, we are trying to reinforce the concept at home as well. At the dinner table, we are each saying a word that starts with the letter of the day.

Yesterday was the letter "C". Because I'm a busy Mama Bear and my brain isn't functioning quite as well as I'd like, I gave a little time to what my word would be.

When we sat down to dinner Brother Bear said, "I have 2 words!!" "My words are: contrary and colossal!"

And that is the point at which I just about melted. Why? I'll tell you why. Because the word I had come up with, the word that I had actually put some thought into?

Cookie.

Prayer for the 1st Time Chaperone

Dear Lord:

Today is my first day as field trip chaperone for the kindergarten bears.

I'm really nervous. I know you've got a lot on your hands, what with the earthquakes, oil spills, wars and such, but if you could...just maybe...take a little time to hear me out? I'll be quick.

• Please don't let me lose anyone. I really want to impress the other Teacher Bears and Mama & Papa Bears. And I'm thinking that losing a child doesn't instill the kind of confidence I'm looking for. Eyes in the back of my head, please!
• Please don't let me make a child cry. I mean, really. Kindergarteners cry at the drop of hat. But I don't want some precious, doe-eyed kid going home and telling their Mama & Papa Bears that Brother Bear's Mama Bear made them cry. I don't want to be the mean Mama Bear. Let me be the nice Mama Bear, please.
• No accidents if at all possible. Nothing says, "never let her near my cub again" like a broken arm or a chipped tooth. May the cubs under my watchful care be graceful and careful. If your feeling generous, I'd even take a few cautious cubs.
• Please let there be air on the bus. I've been to Africa, so I know hot and sweaty Lord. But nothing says stinky like a hot bus full of kindergarten bears. And, being perfectly honest with you, I won't survive long. Please let them all have taken care of their daily hygiene. And please, please, let there be air.
• Please let the cubs in my care follow the rules. You see, I'm a bear-pleaser. And there is nothing worse for me than to have cubs in my care be called down by officials. So, give me a handful of cautious rule following cubs, please. Oh, I know I'm asking for miracles now!
• One more thing, God. If you have time. If you could, for the love of all things Holy, just, and good with this world, please, please, please, puhleeeeeze keep anyone on the bus from having to use this:

I'd be really grateful.

Amen.

Understatement

Recently, I was at a local store, let's call it..."Bull's Eye" (in our household, we also call it, "the place where I go to buy things I totally don't need"). I decided to take a shortcut through the Papa Bears' clothing section and happened upon this:

May I remind you, I was in the PAPA BEARS' section? Needless to say, I got a serious case of the giggles. I also got a really weird stare when I took a picture (the things I'll do for my "art").

It got me to thinking. Is this what I should picture when they say, "Put on your big bear underwear and deal with it?" Because, if it is, I'm seeing that statement in a whole new light.