Rx for Torture

Ever wondered what it’s like to have a Staph Infection that has been surgically lanced and drained and then endure the ensuing prescription (torture) of taking care if it? Me too.

Let's imagine “a woman” as she walks through the process....

Prop a full length mirror at an angle in front of the toilet.  Sit on said toilet facing mirror.  Put one leg barely on the floor, and lift the other leg as high as age and weight will allow.  With leg precariously placed in the air, find wound (read: gaping hole) in upper thigh (read: lower rear end) area.  

Darn.  Forgot sterile gloves.  

Put leg down and put on sterile gloves.  Repeat above gymnastics and find wound again.  With leg still dangling in the air, open sterile container of "iodoform gauze" and with no prior medical training other than serial ER and Grey's Anatomy watching, cut appropriate length of gauze with previously sterilized scissors.  

Realize that said acrobatic procedure has now awakened the beast that is your bowels due to massive antibiotic treatment.  Make quick sacrificial prayer that you don't poop all over sterile environment.  

Take q-tip and shove gauze into gaping hole.  Resist urge to curse God.  Wait for sight to return and searing pain to subside.  Repeat until all gauze is stuffed into deceptively large hole.  Hold gauze in place - lest it all come shooting out and you have to start over. 

Reach over (leg still precariously dangled somewhere near ear) for "dressing pads" and tape.  While doing so, wonder if you should apply for "America's Got Talent" or "Cirque de Soleil".

Place "dressing pad" 1 over stuffed hole.  Careful not to allow gauze to escape like a coiled spring.  Question your choice of non-medically inclined (read: worthless in this situation) husband.  

Tape "dressing pad" 1 over hole.  Place "dressing pad" 2 over "dressing pad" 1.  Tape.  Get at least 1 strip of tape mangled and useless in process.  

Tape again.  Do the hokey pokey and turn yourself around.

Curse "sensitive skin" tape and precarious locale.  Regret your decision to put money into kids' college fund instead of receiving laser hair removal.  Check to see if pads and tape will hold with movement.  Correct if necessary.  

Of course, correction necessary.  

Lower now numb and useless leg.  Hobble to bed and collapse, exhausted. Try to remove images of gaping, seeping hole in rear end and contorted body currently burned on your retinas.  

Repeat 2 times per day.  FOR THE REST OF YOUR FORESEEABLE LIFE.

That’s what I would imagine it was like.  IF I ever had staph, that is. 

Which I don't.  

Because, if I did, I CERTAINLY wouldn't write about it on the internet and humiliate myself for all to read.  

My Mama taught me better than that!